He gave me this to look forward to.

One day I will travel to a faraway place alone and stay there for a while. When that day comes, the people around me will exclaim in dismay and confusion, why on earth would I give up my life and be a recluse? I will tell them, no, I am going to sit in a quiet spot and write. Write a story meant for no one. Write about the year that disappeared. The words will come easily and I will write and write and write until my hands ache. Forgive me, I will say, I am trying to free the world inside of me.

updatedversion?

I haven't written in a while.
A long time to be more precise.
I have a confession to make though.
I still feel the same way I did two years ago.
I still feel like the 17-18 year old who was emotionally frustrated and spent lonely hours contemplating life and life's adventures.
I'm now on the other side.

how can things be so exciting, depressing and inspiring all at the same time?
it just feels like time is slipping through my fingers before i can even feel it in my hands.
all i want to do is lie down and forget the world.
in the midst of all the expected chaos.
i'm willing to be stuck in a moment.
i'm willing to take the risk of losing more time.
i'm willing to lose more than i'm going to.
just for a moment, to be ageless.

i'm not confused.
i'm just weary.
i'm just speculating.
i'm bracing my self for the future.
i'm also finding it hard to say goodbye to everything my past holds.

i might forget this side of me once i move on.
even with compatriots, its still lonely at the end of the day.

what belief am i holding on to?
what kind of trust is this?
what am i going to be satisfied with?

find me gravity.
keep me where the light is.

I saw my future and saved all my thoughts here.
In case I ever wanted to come back and see who I was.
And I did.
I don't know how I was so wise.
I feel like I lost a large chunk of my soul.
School sucked almost everything out of me.
I'm spent.
I hardly get any creative urges.
I hardly want to.
But when I do, it's
melancholia
dark
sad
soulful
gloomy
self punishing
painful.

It feels good to be back.

Hotness is...

(via Vanity Fair)

Now that's what I call smouldering eyes.

The other day...

I saw the most magnificent sunset ever.
I stopped my car by the roadside to fish out my phone camera.
It was malfunctioning at the time.
I got so annoyed.
I missed out on the most magnificent sunset ever.

E is for Effort

There's this deluded naivete I carry around with me when I deal with people. Somehow I tend to overlook the most obvious flaws in them and wonder to myself, 'They're nice people. Why don't they have more friends? Maybe I could be their friend.' So I let the forging of bonds and opening of hearts begin.

And then I get bitten on the proverbial posterior. Multiple times.

My word, I never seem to learn. Shame on you, Alamak, shame shame. It's not funny to me anymore that my close friends are able to spot the most obvious flaw in the people I think are misunderstood underdogs who have the world against them while I, I seem to entertain the belief that people can change and are able to and more importantly, want to. Yes, I did mention deluded and naive earlier.

At the same time, it's a most humbling experience for me to go through all this because well, I learn and try to steer clear of such characters but sometimes, it's difficult to see the forest from the trees. There's this one character I was acquainted with last year who, in spite of my best efforts to help, never seemed to absorb any solicited advice. Never mind that, it was the constant whinging and judging I couldn't stand. At first it was alright, everyone can have their bad days and I don't mind the random bitchfest about people we mutually dislike. But it sort of just spiralled out of control from there, it was the same bitchfest about how the world sucked, and how everyone was against this person and the most unexpected thing, the whole judgement bit grew exponentially to include people this person did not even know personally. Let's not count the rumours that was also spread in the process.

It got to the point where I was plenty tired after each meet up. Draining. Toxic. Those were some keywords used in an article about surrounding ourselves with the right kind of friends. And these qualities were definitely on the checklist of people to avoid. I also did not include the multiple occasions this character was rude to my family and friends - I kept brushing it off at first but when it happened to me, it was such a real wakeup call.

I was also morphing into this mutant, whinging, judgemental biatch that could potentially alienate the entire world on the mistaken belief that I am entitled to privileges without the responsibility. I was shocked, mortified and ultimately, relieved that someone had the decency to hold up a mirror to my face and let me see the pot that was calling the kettle black.

Phew. Thank you, friend, for saving me from heading down that road. It takes one, to know one, I suppose and for that 'friend' of mine? Well, the whole world is still against that character, plus myself now. For some reason, I can't find it in me to sympathize anymore. I'm just going to be selfish and be around people who find joy in the everyday rather than cooking up sinister conspiracy theories. Scary shit man.

I hope I remember this lesson, is all I can say for myself.