you+me+sandflies

you had me at "wanna shisha?"
Happy birthday Zam.

its nearing all hallow's eve

it's kinda like, whoa

*another pretty picture courtesy of xkcd.com

Had another work-related dream. It's very tame compared to the one when I woke up my parents because I was screaming for help. One of my colleagues was trying to stomp me to death because he found out that I knew about his drug habit. In my dream, that is. This one was just weird but quite real. I found out of the managers was involved in embezzlement and then I resigned after getting in a verbal war. I woke up wondering if all that really happened and whether I should still go to work.

I haven't woken up feeling human much recently. Apparently not feeling human can also mean I don't look very human too. I look and feel like shit. But pfft, I really don't care anymore about the state of my hair or eyebags. That's how bad it is.

On the upside, my partner have decided to take matters into his own hands and now everyone in the office has an official Pimp & Hoe's invitation card. The theme's not original but it's going to kick ass. We've got music lined up, the desserts are going to be schweet and most of all, everyone's going to look awesome.

Random thought: My mom said the shape of my head is very round because she used to massage my skull when I was a tot.

I like parties. Too bad I didn't get to go/hold many when I was still studying. That would've been a great time...then again, not everyone there was into partying. I need Deej for that. I reckon we partied in style. Anyway everyone keeps coming up to us and whispering their outfit secrets/hoe auction masterplan so I think that's a good sign.

Random thought no 2: Izzy, Fei and I had dim sum with my folks today. I kinda like the way that pan fried carrotcake tasted. I think I shall have more tommorow.

my wallet was always empty then.

"I just nodded off in a seminar on Halal."
- last page, pink notebook

This single line made me laugh out loud the other day when I was looking for a spare page to scribble in. I'd nearly forgotten about that. It reminded me of the times when I turned up for 9am lectures in dreary Berwick. Going to class in a shuttle bus that only dropped us off in between 40 min intervals, I had to get up pretty early for those lectures.

Suffice to say, my notes would normally start off legible then towards the end of the sentence it becomes more of a lopsided scrawl that somewhat tapers off - because I'd end up running my pen on the edge of the desk.

Somedays I miss those sleepy lectures so much that I feel like I could write another thesis. Then reality s(t)inks in and I remember the pain of research and constant discussions about the media paradigm of one place or the other. It's such a pain to have people telling me that I should have just furthered my studies instead of working but h-e-l-l-o-o-o it's not easy writing a 50,000 word article when you have no experience to back you up.

There were times when I would painstakingly add a 'the' or an 'a' here and there just to make the minimum word count. Sad lah. But it was for desperate times. Come to think about it, a student's best friend is the thesaurus. There's only so many ways you can say paradigm, after all.

august 2007

i've tried so many times (or planned anyway) to organize all the photos i've taken ever since i got here. but i think the album will forever be 'august 2007'. melancholic as it is. its still kinda funny. it will forever be photos in august because that was the turning point in my life. pish posh. the literary books are getting to my head. stay away o reviewers of sylvia plath. *i'm researching on confessional writing etc and responsese to the 1000 journals project*

its so cold here. windy, more so than cold. but i like it. beyond the dry hands and hangnails, i like the cool biting wind. handy hairdryer. wakakaka. and its pretty even when its dull and grey.

hark. i hear the thumping of my beloved housemate's steps on the stairs.

o dont you just love old english. its so funny.


ehhh. must get back to my writing prose.

S.O.S. part 2

The really sad stuff I do

I get super thrilled:
at seeing my business card collection grow
when I find a parking spot right outside the office entrance (it's a typical Bruneian reaction)
catching new episodes of Channel V's Top Model show on cable
when there's a fluctuation in the oil market
anytime I get a story
when he arranges surprise dates/outings/movies for us
learning about investments

These days:
I feel very happy on my off days
finding a clean shirt/getting enough sleep is hard to come by
are inundated with *unnecessary* paperwork and phonecalls
don't find my inbox filled with mail from friends/family
are a countdown to my themed birthday party
only see a certain reporter struggling to maintain a life

loving in the now.

What a trying month. I can't come up with anything witty, sarcastic, interesting - I've got jack shit to blog about these days. All I know is, my housemate's tarot readings are wrooooooong. So off the charts it's unbelievable. I don't really completely trust such readings as it's only a vague idea of the general direction of where you're going at the present point in time (it's a lot of making sense out of your present context basically).

I remember him saying that this would be a good month for my personal life. Pfft. Inda jadi lah. This has been a most testing time for the both of us, especially in light of recent events. Urgh, relationships are so hard to process sometimes. I reckon this is why some people stick with pets, although I doubt if I can stand to be in the same room with anything furry and four-legged.

Thing is, this is the first time I've ever felt like I had the luxury to dream. A dream of infinite possibilities. It's nice to be able to indulge in it.

Then you get all disillusioned and he gets all upset at the miscommunication and you're both raw from hurting and then you realize it's been all one big misunderstanding and both of you are trying to re-understand each other although for you, at least, it's too late to revive that little flame of hope. Nothing has changed much, except maybe you don't have that desire and/or capacity to think beyond the present anymore.

That's ok though. Carpe diem, right?

i am sick of this

you know what?





some people just disappoint me.

i'm not claiming to be all perfect and miss-know-it-all. i admit i preach a bit too much for people's liking (as well as mine) but i know when i'm right.

i think i'm too acceptable of people sometimes. sometimes i wonder if i hang out with the right crowd. i question myself "do i want to be here?" and i find myself thinking and thinking for the rest of the time.

i really question myself sometimes. what am i doing with my life. i really want to be able to show that i'm having a good time growing up here. i want to be able to look back and say, yes those are good times. yet most times i can't say it because i wouldn't be honest with myself.

i overcompensate for my lack of communication by having talkative people around me. i really do. sometimes people wonder how we can get along. when in fact, we don't really. i just happen to be a good listener. and that's all.


i want to speak up for myself. too many times, others have spoken for me back home. that's why i came here. i want to speak for myself. i especially don't like it when people assume they know what i want and don't want.

i think i need to take on a more proactive role. and just be more mature, they way i used to be. i think i let go of myself a bit too much this time. i need to find my way back again. i need to find people like bobo and low. i really do.

S.O.S.

* courtesy of the brilliant xkcd.com compilation

Fireworks ripped apart last night's skies with multicoloured shards of light. A couple of the explosions were so brilliant, it almost hurt to watch. I was at a friend's Raya open house when he decided to burn up $600 worth of fireworks. It was the loudest, most exhilarating light show I've ever had the privilege of witnessing 100 yards away from the mini-bomb itself.

Watching it, I remembered bits and pieces of a new year celebration I went to with some friends. I met a few people last night as well and it puzzled me to see how some prefer to put on a false, cheery smile and pretend to care about how long it's been since you've met/you've had a chat/hung out Insincere air kisses, I've been doing a lot of those too.

It made me feel so ugly on the inside when around these people. It's tiring to be subjected to their incessant vapid chatter and having to put on a mask of interest. It's tiring to pretend to be glad to see each other and then ignore one another for the rest of the event. Isn't it easier to be honest and just do your own thing rather than pretend? Come on, how nice would it be to tell each other, "I dislike you. Don't come near me" (That's the polite version obviously). Such fucking pretentiousness gets my back up everytime.

It's my fault I suppose. If you don't like what you're watching, change the channel. Too bad I can't switch people off. Raya aside, that's the antisocial in me talking. I do feel trapped. In between walls that smell of dirty laundry and powerlessness.

yes i do

sometimes i dont know whether to write in froufrou or beewonbeetoo. pffft. decisions decisions.

anyway.

i have died and gone to art heaven. i went to our college's art museum and i LOVE it. they have new exhibitions all the time and its free and i'm going to haunt the place for as long as i can. plus, i found something very project and i'm going to elaborate more about it soon. (yes you can participate too!)

in the meantime, i'm chilling in the little break that i have between paper deadlines and exams. i'm living off teas, mochas, doughnuts, croissants and Reese's peanutbutter-choc cups. i dont know why i've never had them before but now that i have i'm addicted. mmmm.

i look so cool today. wore my black leather jacket and burgundy scarf. pictures as soon as i have the mentality and time.

by the way.

i LOVE being an academia.

did i mention it before? ^^

One blue mullet, please.

In another world, I'd make up half of this couple. It's like her tatts, hair and piercings are the stuff of what I like to call My Impossible Dreams. Of course that's just part of it, I need more than steel in my skin to achieve True Happiness.




Of course there'd be the lifestyle of living for the moment and not having to worry about spikes in the investment market, the next bills, what to wear for work the next day, making sure my hair is slicked back in its bun when I'm meeting Mr Bigshot of So and So Incorporated. I think what I'm trying to say is that, it must be great doing the things you enjoy and not having to worry about the future because the future doesn't exist in My Impossible Dreams.

It's just a thought I like to go over when I don't have anything better to worry about. It's a nice change from worrying, that's for sure. I'm currently researching land banking. I read this magazine full of smiley businessfolk in their structured suits. A part of me loathes the idea of having to network and network some more to survive the market but another, admittedly very small part of me thinks these folks have something quite exciting on their hands - sometimes.

Investments turn me on. Sometimes. The thrill of it is like going on a bungee ride. Sometimes. The paperwork sucks, I must say. Analysing the markets also suck because I usually can't make head or tail out of a "bullish season" or whatever animal term they use to describe the current trend.

There's fireworks at a colleague's open house later. Apparently they invest (there's that word again) a lot every year on these spectacular shows during Raya. I still feel very much in the Raya mood. Bring on the bunga api, I say!

push back the dawn.

I like this cartoon very much



...because it's silly yet sweet.

i think i feel like....

throwing up.

Eating oodles and oodles of candy does that to me. Knowing that, knowing how bad candy is (note to self: make an appointment with the dentist) for my teeth, cough, blood sugar level, I still gorge on it till I actually turn green in the face.

I was unsuccessfully writing a philosophical blog post earlier. I hate it when I get this amazing title but have nothing whatsoever to talk about. Unbearable. It's like having french toast without the ketchup.

Suffice to say, I went over to the home newsrooms to catch up on office goss. No one was around so I went over to the pantry and took two handfuls of chewy fruit candy. I remember thinking, yeah this will last me for about a month if I take one a day. So I unwrapped one and everything else sort of blurred for me.

All I could think of was how good the artificial treat tasted and how chewy it was and how orange and pink and purple I feel and how absolutely wonderful chewy sweets are and how the juiciness spreads like a warm candy heaven on my tongue and how it's such a tastebud teaser and how I know I'm going to enjoy the next purple/pink/orange sweet that I'm unwrapping right now as we speak.

Oh. My. I think I blacked out and went to candy heaven again.

So I ended up with a small hill of plastic wrappers on my desk and a mild case of nausea. Writing about the effects of overdosing on candy is about as profound as I can get today.

Sweet tooth is such an understatement.

craziness is spelt with an I

Apart from getting a few Hari Raya e-cards and a couple more through snail mail, I don't feel all that excited about the upcoming festivities. Mainly because I'm required to work on the first day. Oh boo-hoo, it's such an annoying flaw in this industry. Finally able to spend this occasion at home, I get to celebrate the first day writing. Whoop dee frickin doo.

I reckon too many people forget about the religious significance of the day what with the lavish celebrations that borders on the obscenely decadent. All the flashy i.e. gaudy coloured silk and bling jewellery hurts my eyes. But that's Brunei for you.

Recent events that transpired last week is still making my head spin from the unpredictability and sheer absurdness of it all. Second on the list of crazy things that happened to me last week is being soaked to my skivvies at a Kiulap parking lot as I was engaged in a futile combat against Nature to open my umbrella during a freak storm. I tried to do it as efficiently as I could but it went berserk on me and instead of opening up like a regular brolly, the wind caught the material and it stretched all the way up.

I ended up breaking it in three places. Accidentally.

Cold, drenched and annoyed that the umbrella decided to pick that moment to malfunction, I looked round me before stealthily leaving the sorry metal remains by a drain. If you ever see a bright BSRC umbrella by a Hua Ho drain, you'd know Wani was there.

Fighting an epic battle with an ungodly metal and plastic device is nothing compared to Friday's event. I was finishing up a story after a sungkai (breaking fast) meal of sushi and tori katsu curry soba with the BT gang. Suddenly a Home editor barged into my department with a wild look in his eyes and asked who can take a decent photograph. I don't know why he chose that moment to zero in on me but apparently another editor was on the scene of a rescue in progress.

Said I had to run to the food court at the next block to take pictures. So in my baju kurung and makeup, I sprinted to the alley behind the food court with a large camera in tow. I never thought I'd see the day when I had to respond to the 'hot news' of three firemen who rescued a cat stuck in a drain. Or run on a stomach full of dead fish.

Well that story made front page. I felt alternately amused and embarassed when I saw my byline underneath the picture caption.

I suppose the highlight of the event was when I overheard a couple of Indonesian workers calling out, "Capek ya? (Must be tiring huh?)" on my way back (still sprinting) to the office.

It's not that funny now that I blogged about it but I was chortling to myself a lot that night. I can never seem to capture the essence of c-r-a-z-y properly. Anyhoo, to all my Muslim friends and family out there,

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI
~MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN~

midnite garden

tonight was one of the most beautiful experiences i've ever had. i initially went out w amy n her friend nick just to grab a bite with moses after he was done w his radio show. ended up killing time for about one to two hours. met a buzzed steve, who gave us hugs when he doesnt normally. we then got cookies and drove around looking for a nice spot to sit. parking was a bitch since they were metered so we didnt go to where we initially wanted to go. we ended up at a garden somewhere.


i could see the stars. orion, big dipper, and other twinkles. the moon was a big yellow crescent. then there were these two rows of trees. and the british garden. all in the dark, at 2 am. was so beautiful and serene. we walked around and talked. had a lovely haunting moment. til the drunks showed up and chose their own spot. luckily they didnt come our way, and vice versa. in any case, we just sat and talked and relished in the dark isolation in this ethereal garden. til about 4.15 am. was fun. lots. must do this every weekend.


i wish i could take a picture but it would be pitch black to the lens anyway. next time, i'll get some photos during daylight. next time.

inferno of emotions

pissed as hell. i'm staying bitter forever.

inferno of emotions

this october looks pink to me

This month started off on a sorry note. I was down and out with a fever/cold/cough trifecta during *gasp* my day offs last weekend. No matter, I'm recovering and what can't kill me only makes me want to eat more. Yet it's annoying to have a steaming bowl of freshly cooked Beijing dumpling noodle soup and only being able to smell the aromatic wafts of herbal chicken broth through one unclogged nostril. Get over it, phlegm is a fact of life. Unfortunately.

Anyway my mom has threatened to feed me some Chinese medicine soup with bees in it. No joke. And people ask me why am I so afraid of bugs.

I received my birthday present early this year. He made some macho bullshit excuse about not knowing what to get me before unceremoniously dumping this uber cool gift on my work station the other day.



I think it's a wicked, wicked phone. And I think it's mad that he actually remembered about it. Of course when I told him it's a really sweet gesture, he just said he gave it early because he wanted to know if it functioned properly. Boys will always have cooties but they're not all that bad.

o well

there may be hope yet.
but they're just words of encouragement from friends.
i don't know if it aligns with his intentions.
i don't really care anymore.
i'll just be a friend.

sigh.

i'm just not meant for romantic affections, i suppose.