whee~

yeah right.

just realized how ridiculous my posts sound. especially when someone reads it out loud.

BRIDEX is really something. state of the art technology. its just too bad the public doesnt appreciate it. but then there were security issues so that was probably why there was only a trickle of guests. only day 1. i met our king tho. damn but he's got authority. one of the most intense moments o my life. in the non sexual way of course. eww.

my feet hurt. my back hurts. typical stand-around-all-day symptoms. komplen komplen komplen.



i'm gna have to think twice about what i write here. or even better, block kambomambo's ISP. *cackle* just please lah, don't read my blogposts aloud lah. please ah. my skin not that thick, yo.

peace peace. i'll still be a willing PA in OSM. pffffftttt...

Don't drink and write

[1330hrs]
COFFEE, that is. It's been an interesting week although I think it's just the beginning. Work is building momentum. I should be nervous and worried about the upcoming projects but I'm feeling more exhilarated than I have in a while. That's kind of pathetic when you think about it but anyway, I think it was the 3 days off from work I had when Dayang came over from KL last week.

We had a great time doing basically nothing for 3 days in a row. It was like, drinks at the riverside Arabic restaurant, stopping by the road to take photographs at midnight, drinks at the riverside Arabic restaurant, roadtrips to nowhere, drinks at the riverside Arabic restaurant. It was awesome.

Goodbye lazy afternoons by the river. Hello frantic calls, late-night meetings, eyebags extravaganza.

I moved into my new place two nights ago. The first night at 'home' (not sure if I'll ever get used to saying that) was extremely uncomfortable. The airconditioner wasn't working - enough said. Last night was much better; I had pretty sheets, a functional a/c, aromatherapy and music. Plus I woke up to a beautiful view of the winding hillside road, I live on the 5th floor now so it's quite a sight.



[2021hrs]
I'm waiting for a meeting to start. Brain-dead, loaded on caffeine, wishing I was elsewhere. Some days work is all consuming and I wonder if I've lost perspective.

Not that I feel very productive although I'm supposed to be working on at least two feature articles. Mental blocks are hazardous in this business. I've also noticed that I have this perpetual knot of tension in my guts. That's probably a bad thing.

Can't-think-anymore-but-have-articles-to-complete.

deep down

i want this, too.

Something there is moves me to love, and I do know I love, but know not how, nor why. -Alexander Brome, c.1645

hmph

You know, it's that time of the year again.

I think work has taken its toll on me. I'm craving for a breath of fresh air. I need colours and creativity. I'm already starting to wallow in the mundaneness and routine. I need COLOUR.

crap.

ok here's a rant. i need to rant.

i'm just sick of all my work not being appreciated. if it wasn't for me, they'd have nothing up on the website. bloody work-push-overs. if it wasn't for me, they wouldnt even have pretty pictures. if it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have much pictures or videos. if it wasn't for me, they still would be in chaos planning the ceremony. damn it. i don't want tobe worshipped or thanked profusely. i just want to have some acknowledgement. would they every be satisfied??? no... even though i'm doing so much they're still not good enough. do it yourself then, dammit. as much as i love them i don't really love them. make sense?

bum scratchers.

hmph.

just wish that i wasnt in such a crappy mood. just wish that my vaio keypad was silent. just wish that i had lots of goot stuff for deviantart. just wish that i could get that breath of air.

i wish i could drive around and listen to good music all over again. i need the afternoon sun.

=(

bridex isn't killing me yet. no no. not yet. wakakka. i think im going bonkers.

is this a good place to rant. hmmm i dunno. o well.

keeping the angst in.

ANGER-MANAGEMENT is an issue. So is dealing with life right now. I'm moving into the hot pink apartment tommorow. I was told it's more of a peach colour but at this point, I'm just glad I'm not going to have to need to commute an hour and a half each trip to and from work. My future housemate said yesterday, ''I'm sooo glad to move in, I'm sooo sick and tired of going home 20 min away from here''. I felt like that was the understatement of the year.

of rivers and dirt in my nails

temburong was great. got lotsa love from the bugs. but the view, ohmygawd. brunei's richest heritage ever. i want to go back there. despite the bugs, the fitful nights and the physical challenges, i want to go back there.

OBBD screwed up my mind but I'm thankful for it.

Happy Belated Birthday to Farah.

Going to be superbusy next week, what with BRIDEX and the last week of my attachment. Gosh. Another 2 months till I fly to Chicago. Its so surreal. No more mummy or daddy's girl. No more lying on the carpet, counting thoughts. No more staring out the window.

I don't know if I'm sad. But I will miss those times of waiting and wanting. Its what got me here after all.

On loving an old man

IT'S A cat on weed. I feel a bit like that cat. Had very strong Arabic coffee just yesterday at Sugar & Spice. I was on the way back home when I felt like someone peeled away my stomach lining and poured acid on it. Stomach lining aside, life has been uneventful.

If you count 2 near-misses on the road, moving into a hot pink apartment block, coping with a very ill greatgrandfather uneventful. I hope he's getting better. They said he had a fever last night and almost ''did not make it''. My mom was even getting ready to call The Canadians to come back but thankfully he made a recovery. I can understand that he's old (nearly 100) and he's quite weak (can't eat/chew/drink much on account of a stroke that left him with paralysed throat muscles) but that is not an excuse for the hospital nurses and doctors to ignore their patients. Mind you, it's not just my greatgrandfather, there's loads of other sick people in there who are basically left on their own. The lucky ones have maids or companions.

Fucking public hospitals.

I hate being in them. I hate the incompetent staff who are supposed to look after their patients but watch DVDs instead. I hate hospitals on principle. Granted, they're not all that bad. My late greatgrandmother had really caring nurses who looked after her really well. I don't know, why can't good service be a standard for all? It's their job right? Then fucking do your job instead of making the patients wait. ''Tunggu sekejap ah...wait ah...we'll be there in a moment'' Fuck your moments, my friend.

It's not like we haven't tried to push these people to attend to the patients. God knows we've tried. I just want him to get better soon, that's all. It's like they're leaving him to die because he's old and he's weak. I just want him to come home and putter around the garden like he used to. I just want to see him waving from the balcony when he spots my car from a distance. I just want him to be happy again.

Happiness is a clean workspace

AMONG other things. Happiness can also be a fleeting surge of elation when you write that one story which simply spells s-a-t-i-s-f-a-c-t-i-o-n on completion. It can also be the 6am text message from your sister who just wanted to say thank you for the food runs you made every other evening because she was busy with assignments. It's the way your partner reaches for your hand while strolling on a sunny afternoon. Happiness is the way wide open spaces, literally or not, make me feel.

a hot and steamy night

I'M HAVING the hottest, steamiest illicit midnight session ever.

I love my hot n sour soup. I burned my tongue, scalded my throat and probably wake up with a gross, hacking cough tommorow. But as of now, it's late and raining out, I feel the need to pamper myself with a reward i.e. msg-laden soup and some romantic fiction.

What a long day. Had a couple of online conversations with friends, local and overseas. The fightfairy is egging me to join this online pimp-hoe-goons game whereas a longtime friend from Taylor's on A'Beckett was sweet enough to point out that he regrets our group drifting apart after college. We get so maudlin' when it's late.

Especially when there's soup too. It just adds to the sentimental moment, I suppose. Speaking of moment, I nearly had a fit when one of the esteemed editors (in case management reads this) solemnly said Fei and I could not go to Bali. I think he could see me almost going ''noooooo'' *trail off into an echo* because he quickly told me to relax. Hey, you never know.

I suppose I should explain from the start. Initially Fei and I bought the tickets in a moment of madness. For me anyway, since I have never ever ever done anything quite so impulsive before. It was only a few days after that I realized our flight dates was right after Big Brother's anniversary hence, the media would be in a frenzy. Everyone of us is expected to run around like headless chickens because, well, it's THAT time of year when everything is happening at once.

But not for clever us.

I had to fill out this leave application form and was at a loss when they requested a reason for taking leave. All I could think of was:

''My life sucks, my writing sucks, I feel like jumping off the 3rd floor office - maybe I could do with a positive change of environment. But if not, that's ok, I'm superhuman and can work 24/7 without dropping dead of exhaustion''.

Instead, Fei came up with a brilliant answer:

"Have air ticket''.

Tried that but the editor returned our forms unsigned. So in the end I had to say something along the lines of, ''I'm fooking sick and tired from getting called into work on my bloody off days. I haven't had a proper off since I got back from Malaysia on account of projects left right and centre. I haven't even taken a bereavement leave when my greatgrandmother passed away so now, I'm sayin - give me my 3 lousy off days in Bali. Thank you very fooking much''.

Like I said, it was something along those lines.

Needless to say, we got approval from said editor. The icing of today's cake was checking out this apartment near the headquarters though. I made up my mind when I saw the hot pink facade of the apartment. I'm moving out of the family roost, I said. I shall live in this hot pink apartment block and actually get enough rest. I also got approval from the parental unit when I approached them with the idea.

So tell me this isn't a great night for soup.

Dear mom.

Happy Mothers' Day.
Lots of love from the noisy one and the small one.

minutes to midnight

Linkin Park gone mellow? Perhaps, but I like their style. I think I've gone mellow too.

Still busy as always. Going to Outward Bound in Temburong on Monday thru Sunday. Its gna be interesting. I just hope I have enough insect repellant. Bugs scare me more than ghosts.

Haven't been in touch with the world, lately. I've been thinking and trying to keep up with current affairs. Meanwhile still juggling all the work related responsibilities I have and uni stuff. I hope I don't come back with an American drawl~. Not that its bad, but I'd still rather be accentless.

The reality is sinking in. I'm off in about two and a half months. I'm mentally ready but not physically ready. Its gna be my first house move! =p

Nothing very profound to say. But I have noticed some differences here and there. In people especially. Like how some grew up, some didn't. How some are more cynical, some are more understanding. Little things that make all the difference in the world.

I'm not really holding on to anything at the moment. I'm just following the tide.

From BT, with love.

I'M FEELING lazy at the moment (if covering and submitting 3 very rushed,very late-in-the-day events and writing frankly-quite-shite-quality articles qualify as lazy) - so this photoblog will have to do for now. I feel like spreading some BT luvin'. It must be the exhaustion speaking.

Off days are bliss - Izzy, resident graphic designer/layout dude/cartoonist/coffee buddy/shisha partner in crime and I checking out Lumut beach because there was nothing better to do.

Casbah kebabs are wicked! - The girls and I got lost in Muara one cloudless (i.e. very hot) Sunday afternoon and we ended up in Lambak. Had a kebab, fell in love with it and haven't stopped drooling about it since.

See Serasa - Fei, IT expert/bigbigstory writer/fei-moos local blogger, & I reviewing one of the four beaches we visited a Sunday not too long ago. We were out of ideas.
On the upside, we got to collect pretty shells and sandollars.



Another slow newsday - So Fei, Shareen & I took plenty of silly pictures at one of the events we covered. 3 reporters for one event...sad but hey, we got different angles (and free munchies)!

I see you watching me watching you - Hadi fooling around with one of the photographers' cams.
It was a bowling match at freaking 9am (as if these things ever start on time) on a weekend. I remember scoring a few strikes then zilch! Fun, but never again.



Sushi is sedap - That's really it for now. It's been a long day and I have run out of ideas for witty captions...not that they're that fantastic in the first place. More photos in the near future. Hopefully with the rest of the BT family. More power to ya!

such an angry person.

I have no recollection of writing the following (even though I only wrote it this morning) but apparently I did because it is in the back of my notepad. Enjoy.


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This is so fucking boring. I just want to go home and sleep. For some reason I woke up before 7am again. That's the second time I did it. Anyway I'm a grouch right now because I'm surrounded by incompetent PRO's (public relation officers), irritating crowd and fucking bright sunshine. I want to dig a hole and hibernate.

I swear if these people don't hand out the info they're supposed to I will just tell them off for 1)fucking up my supposed off day, 2)making the media wait for an hour and half before the actual event starts, and 3)not giving us (i.e. the press) the correct programme in the first place.

I am so annoyed.

How pompous can Brunei get? I still for the life of me, can't understand why everyone luuurves ceremonies. Fuck, man. I'm exhausted and fucking cranky.
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Mind you it was bloody 8am or earlier and I was still tired from the previous day, heck, the previous month. I just found it amusing that I sounded so angry. I think it's all repressed, hence the liberal use of profanities.

I took a loooong nap afterwards and I'm now quite civil, thank you very much. I suppose the moral of the story is ''Never speak to a sleep-deprived Wani without a press release in hand''.

closing this chapter

I WISH I had a timeline for when I'm supposed to end one phase of my life before starting again. I don't know how some people can be so familiar even when you've only just met them. Is it a deja vu thing? Or are some past experiences a pale reflection of what is ahead? I'm supposed to feel awkwardshyhesitatantdepressedangryweird but I'm not - not really. I don't feel anything much but this strange finality.

It's as if I've been dealing with this the whole time. Maybe I have. Maybe a secret part inside me have struggled with it long before but I refused to acknowledge it until I had to. I hate myself for it. I can't say that I was lying to myself before but it's as if I knew what was coming and yet went for it regardless of the consequences. Is that so bad? To seize happiness when you can. Live for the all-too-short moments. To take and give back as much as possible.

Wring your soul dry because there will never again be that one face, one second that filled your heart in that uniquely sweet, painful way.

You know you will go through the bittersweet ache again someday just not like that and not with him. It will be a different lifetime then. His name sometimes threaten to slip off your tongue while you're with someone else and you wonder if he does the same.

.

moments like this i feel fractured on the inside

Put my life on hold.

I CAN'T wait for Bali. I just bought a promotional ticket to sun and sea on a whim. Call it something I had to do for me. Call it being spontaneous. Call it making a bad decision. Some girls get a whole new makeover when they break up, I buy a plane ticket. They cost about the same anyway.

It's amazing how 3 months flew by since I started work as a journo-in-training. I can't say my writing has improved although I have learned the finer art of mingling with the locals. This is not to say my May-Lay has improved either but hey, I learn new things every day. Like the difference between Batu Satu and Batu Bersurat - they're two completely different places but for some reason, I can't differentiate them.

The way I can't differentiate my work from my life right now. Everything centres around the breaking news, the newsworthiness, the bylines, the deadlines, the fucking pseudo-touchy stories that everyone talks about but can't write about. My whole life right now revolves around the off days that I inevitably come in anyway, the leave in July I'm looking forward to, the potential headliners...it's crazy how I've been sucked in. I quite enjoy it though it has taken its toll on me physically and mentally. Hence - sweet, sweet Bali.

I feel slightly bipolar; is this how I deal with problems? One moment I'm interviewing people with gusto and when I'm typing up the transcripts I find myself bursting in tears. And then of course, I have to maintain my professionalism in the workplace and run off into the bathroom and pretend to fiddle with my makeup. Repeat 5 or more runs into the bathroom over the next hour. I do believe work is useful in these times; write till you drop. Simple.

I can't say this is the most mature way of dealing with what's going on with my life but I have to say, I don't have the luxury of indulging in my emo-moments anymore. I wish I could have an off day where my girlfriends and I would gather round Ben & Jerry's and pat me on the back while I cry my eyes out. Yet I don't feel like I need that right now. It's like a quiet grieving period where I'm occasionally allowed to reflect on the past 3 years with him. Nothing went wrong, and that's the saddest part.

I can't say it was a shock to me that this has happened but you can't just erase time like that. I don't know what I want anymore because I thought I had it all. I guess I'll just stick to writing up press releases and talking to lots of strangers for now. And Bali.