some self time

egads. this past week has given me wrinkles and headaches.

i'm applying for a scholarship from the military. =)

the scholarship's great. its the application processes going on in school which is a pain in da butt. hmph.

come to think of it, its not so bad to be in defence. like wooo i get to wear the green uniform and shoot rifles. wakakakaka. no really, all i've known about military stuff is from TV and so far, looks fun. wakakaka. at least i hope i get the scholarship first. lol.

btw, its for US unis. =p so no melbourne or monash. not even UK. im just a bit o.O of living in the US. like eek. freaky. i dont wana die cos o a random bullet.

well, that's the update on me. going to bandar again tomorrow, mom n dad's got a black n blue dinner. wakakaka. then we're all going for the Sultan's walkathon on Sunday. its 3.3km for us girls. free T-shirts too. XD o well. compensation compensation.

i wonder whats gna happen next week.

i dont have a bio tutor anymore by the way. like whee~ lol.

the L word

Knights in shining armours - who needs them?
Not that I've envisioned anyone to be my knight
even when I was growing up on rescue-damsels-in-distress stories
(why do guys get all the fun rescuing said damsels anyway?)
I thought it was an antiquated and absurd notion
it effectively categorised every female into helpless little misses
but that's gender and sociology for you.

It doesn't even have to be a knight to stick up for you
it could be a friend of any race, creed, sexual orientation, etc.
it just takes one who care enough
but of all the people that I've met
none of them prioritised loyalty highly, I suppose
otherwise they won't be making weak excuses such as,
"Well, I didn't want to make a scene"
"...It might be awkward for me later since we're all y'know, friends..."
"oh..um...yeah, I don't know why I didn't say anything"

Sometimes it doesn't take much to show it
and granted, it is unnecessary (bring on the bra-burners!)
but the gesture is very much appreciated anyway
this takes me back to the days of good ol' fashioned
'she's not my friend so don't be her friend or you're not my friend anymore'
how very childish of us
yet how much more honest could we get
I would think that this is a highly idealized quality in anybody
and yes, this is a dog eat dog (yuck) world
but surely, it is not all that rare these days, is it?

Angmohtizing the lah's and bah's.

I was minding my own business pretending to be preoccupied with stacks of brochures at work today when one of the seminar speakers approached me. We made the perfunctory introductions and howdeedoo's when he asked me how long have I been in Australia:
"5 years now"
"Oh I thought you're a local because you speak like them"
"No...I speak like this all the time. Maybe it's because I grew up speaking English back home"
"Noooo...you speak like a local"
"Really? Nope, nope I don't think so. I just don't speak other languages as much I suppose"
"No, you speak like a local"
"Hmm, really? How interesting"

At this point my already forced smile felt like it was about to slip off my face. It was barely 10 in the morning (lack of sleep due to WorldCup and fascinating library books should say it all) and here's someone I met not 2 minutes ago who was absolutely sure that I do speak with an accent. It is not the 10am bit that irritated me so much as the total conviction that he is indeed right. You are entitled to your opinion but don't force it down my throat. It probably wasn't the case but it certainly felt like it!

It is not the accent that bothered me although I do think I have a tendency to angmohtise my speech. It is a conditional behaviour; it comes with the package. Put me back into an Oriental society and all the lah's & bah's will pepper my conversations once again. Speech, like my tastebuds, adapt to current environments. I used to take spicy food without making any noise but now I'm hissing and fanning myself to high heaven if I do as much as just nibble on a microscopic portion of cili padi. Pathetic. I digress. The point is, who cares as long as the message gets across. Just don't bug me while you're at it.

I could write a whole essay on this but this should suffice. Cultural imperialism be damned. I'll put as much cili padi as I like on my bland pastas and quiches, thank you very much.

I am not my PMS.

I wrote many many words many many times
more often than not I erase them
because right at the part where I start to make sense
I lose the message I wanted to get at in the first place
I hate it when that happens
perhaps this is why I am not a writer
I deviate too much
let's blame my short short attention span.

Sometimes I shake my head
how ironic
I trumpet proud and bold declarations
which in the end
become shameful truths.

For example,
I won't be reduced to a bag of raging hormones
I am not my PMS
yet when I do feel overtly sensitive, overtly angry
I cannot fall back on the old 'time of the month' cliche
What then?
Am I really just a perpetually angry person?
I should hope not.
how odd
how awkward
What then?

Perhaps this is why I dropped philosophy
there's never a straight answer when I need one.

For that matter, I am not my clothes
I am not my socio-economic status
I am not the way I speak
I suppose I just needed a reminder
a reaffirmation
I would love to be a cheesecake though
but that is another story.

dirtpoor

Ya know. Everyone's acting so miskin/cheap because there's no water supply. Till tomorrow as far as I know. Even thought we have a tank, we're still soooo miserly. Its almost funny.

No washing clothes unless they're needed. 5 minutes or less showers. Avoid washing hands. Plan and strategize before cooking : we had mee goreng for dinner. Try not to wash the dishes. Use bottled water for drinking.

I even told my dad off for washing the table rag.

wakakakakaka. yeah its not so very funny but interesting at least. I've never showered so fast in my life. Just shows how important water is huh?

.....Until lumut lehh no water. = ="

i.am.therefore.i.live.

Tonight
it felt like I took my first breath of fresh air
after being trapped in my own claustrophobic thoughts
a million miles away
is it easier being a stranger?

Tonight
is no better or worse than any other nights
yet, the hole that should be here
is absent and I'm devoid of meanings
I'm relieved.

Tonight
I draw the line at trying so hard
at preserving nostalgia
curiously, I'm looking away from myself
I'm looking towards - what exactly?

Tonight
life is a rhetorical question
nothing else matters
but being,
for now.

what the...

Holy crap. I've got a scholarship application to fill: meaning I have to think of activities I hardly do, assume I had leadership posts, oh and write a sob story essay on why I want the scholarship and such.

Dooooooooomed or what.

They even left some space for previous job experiences. Like hellooo? This country? Below 18? How in the world are we underaged people supposed to get legal, paying jobs? What more in ghost town KB???

Honestly. The standard they're offering is awesome. Fantastic. But this society ain't up to it. Bloody hell. I hate this. hmph.

Anyhoo, school's starting on monday. Noooooooooooooooooo~ *sob* I'm not really ready to face crackpot tutors again. Plus, the June results shooould be out soon. >.< Damn. Why is the Asian student life so bloody frustrating???

I need sugar. It keeps the bad thoughts away for another day.

when you know its not alright

Alright.

Download here.

Its been awhile.

when you know it isn't alright.

it's a quiet winter night
and your thoughts are so loud
you wonder if others can hear them
you worry about everything
you worry about nothing

will you die an early, painful death
do you need more calcium
because women are prone to osteoporosis
will you end up bitter and wretched
scorning the world that scorned you
and
what if your essays don't make the grade
what if you're taking everything for granted
maybe this is the end for you
maybe there's nothing beyond your life now

then you think
the world doesn't revolve around your needs
as urgent as they may seem
what of the conflict and suffering in sudan, iraq, east timor
etc.etc.
what of children, men and women out there
- deprived of their rights
as human beings
do you really care
or are you pretending to care
but deep down you just cannot
look at injustice and cruelty in the eye
turn away
and pretend nothing is happening
you do what you can

you laugh at life's comedy
your heart smiles when the phone rings
and it is a familiar voice
asking what you cooked for dinner
maybe you can cook it back home
you want to go home
you cannot go home
home is an abstract concept
yet
you want to go back
to that place where evenings were golden
and the beach was sprinkled
with footsteps and shells

then you think of love
and all of its demands
which you'd gladly make
and wonder if you made too many
you cannot help but feel
you just feel

your heart is beating a staccato rythm
it might just explode
so much there sometimes
the burden, the envy, the desire, the faith
the hope that everything will be ok
not just for yourself but everyone else

virtual pranks

wakakakakakakaka. this is what i've been up to today.

http://celeb.cosmogirl.com/entertainment/archives/2006/06/zacs_graduation_day.html

i know the pink at first sight is a disgusting turn off, but bear with me. i promise i'll make it worth your while. =)

just read the article, and scroll right to the bottom. read a few o the fans' comments, then see if you can find a familiar nick. wakakakakaka.

they're gna be so mad i dissed their god. ^^

what's up?

Well, I've been having 12 hour sleeping and non-sleeping shifts. =) Its kind of comforting in a way that I don't have to think of what to do next? when I'm asleep. Yea sure it messed up my bioclock. But that happens. I bet its the natural rhythm for teens and young adults actually. mauahuahua.

I've been collecting songs and movies. Ahem. Really good stuff, some of them. Get Foo Fighter's In Your Honour. woohoo. Rock on! Kelly Clarkson isn't too bad actually. Lots of rock ballads. If you like em, you'll like her album. 3 stars out of 5. Ooo and Nelly Furtado's latest album called Loose. Very club dance sounds. I'll say its completely different from her previous albums. Its gone mainstream though. That's the only sad part. Bleh. You can hear the drums and reggae sounds in almost every new song now. Booooriinngg. What else, hmmm, I've been digging through the oldies (not very old actually) and re-discovering good songs like Meredith Brooks' Bitch =) and Jason Mraz, Rob Thomas, Avril Lavigne and oo Howie Day. They all make a pretty good playlist.

I don't have much planned these days. Going out just once or twice. Not expecting much. Just trying to pass time. O my mom's birthday was yesterday =) We surprised her with a mango cheesecake. muahuahua. Turns out lotsa people have June birthdays. Dang. I know there's 2 today, 1 on Saturday and a few more soon. Dang. I hardly meet any Octoberians. hmph. Anyhoo, happy birthday Junies! =D

O and my BB article got dissed =p wakakakakakaka. You can check the comments for the link. Someone called maurina wrote it. tsk tsk tsk. And there I thought Bruneians were IT illiterate, much less there's a Bruneian blogosphere. Good to see there is, even though its small. lol. Nah I'm not replying to it. I don't see the need. I wrote my stuff. Its up to people how they want to make of it. You can diss the person back if you like, but you're on your own. =)

I've been in a daze. My mind was overloaded with info and options and choices to make. Yep yep thinking about the future. After lots and lots of discussions and listening and thinking and basically in a fix, I think I've got it. I know I should probably run around the house naked yelling Eureka! but nahhh, no audience, no fun. wakakakakakakakakaka. Honest, I didn't think I'd get the anwer anytime soon!

So I was saying, I think I've got it. I thought a lot, I wrote down stuff. Made notes. etc etc. I wonder if any of my friends have the trouble I did. Deciding is such a difficult thing to do. huhuhu. =( Yea now I'm procrastinating. I just want to thank you oldies adults for sharing. It helped a lot. Really. Woohoo. Yeah I think I'm gna go for the big E. I've got a pretty good picture of what lies ahead. I'll make the decisions when its time to finalise stuff, but other than that, everything's settled. I don't know where I'll be going, I don't know where I want to go. But no worries about that. I hate money talk. blehh.

It just came to me in the dark, when I couldn't sleep. wakakaka. Better than when I'm doing business in the loo eh? wakakakakakaka.

Hmmm, what have you readers been up to? ;)

feet and balls

Look at my new shorts!

=)

yay England n Germany n Brazil n them big teams. pffffttt.

Ahhh, football = world peace

;) close enough any way.

brain dead

first class ass

I saw this in yesterday's paper.

So I wrote this:

In response to “Liguist, BSB”:
I believe you must be one of the narrowest minded Bruneian resident I have ever heard of (from). How can you say that most of the O level English candidates fail every year? How can you even think that the Cambridge exam is “wrong”, and the students “have no hope of passing it”? That is not true at all. The students don’t need these kind of disheartening and insulting statements. Please have some faith in the younger generation, or at least pretend to, because if you do not put any faith or trust in this country’s assets, then the students may just as well not go to school. As a student myself, I am horribly insulted that Brunei still has backward-thinking people. Besides, where’s the statistics to prove your absurd claim?

There is nothing wrong with the O level English exams. It is already in fact, at a ridiculously low standard. What is all this with “academic, native speakers of English”? English is English. There is no academic class or normal class or Brunei class English. Furthermore, English is EVERYWHERE. It is offensive to say that its use outside the classroom is limited. Bruneians speak English. If we didn’t then why in the world is English compulsory in the school curriculum. We NEED the English Language to take us to places, we NEED it to succeed in the world today. And for us to take a step forward in succeeding is to make sure that our generation is up to a certain standard that has been set. Why lower this standard? Why should we take this opportunity from the students who want to better themselves? We don’t sit for O Level English exams just to pursue an academic career.

Last but not least, it is especially foolish of you to state that few Bruneians are suited to an academic future. My sister (yes, a Malay Bruneian) is actually furthering her studies overseas in the hopes of working as an academia in the near future! People like you should be forced to go to school all over again. Education is everything. You are implying that most citizens will work as labourers and be unskilled in reading or writing, much less doing research and contributing to the development of the country!

The MoE should not even consider your proposal. I don’t think I even need to say why. It is so obvious, its ridiculous. And to the students, don’t give up. Nothing is as difficult as it seems. Ignore the discouragements of people like Liguist. And by the way, its linguist, NOT liguist.

~
Sigh. It doesn't feel like I bashed the person enough. Hmph.

be alone

In my opinion:
Best listened to when its quiet and you're alone.
Laugh when you feel like it.
Cry if you must.
Diss it if you don't like it.
Or just, be.

Lemme know. ^^

Melancholy baby.
I'm feeling much better.
I don't know how long it'll last, but I'll be fine.
So will you.

If it sounds similar to any songs, I plead guilty. muahuahua.

i'm asking for help

Situation:
I've been sitting at home everyday doing nothing productive and I go to school every other day or so for 2 hours only. Pretty soon, by the end of the week, school's out and I'll be left all on my own for 2 weeks. At home. With NOTHING to do.

Don't tell me I can spend the freetime doing chores or revising because I'm sick of stupid answers. I need to do something. Productive. Stimulating to the mind. Otherwise I'll go back into depression and go psycho.

Anyone have ideas? Pretty please?

kitty

Hey Kitty.

I dedicate this song to yall dawgs out there. Peace out, mah man. muahz.